


conflicted looks good on me

by never_bloom_again



Series: some kind of disaster [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Coming Out, Gay Luke Alvez, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Spencer Reid, Insecurity, M/M, Team as Family, insecure luke alvez
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 11:14:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27470089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/never_bloom_again/pseuds/never_bloom_again
Summary: luke isn't so sure about being a secret anymore. all he wants is to love and be loved, publicly.spencer likes the way things are. they are private, and special, and perfect.
Relationships: Luke Alvez/Spencer Reid
Series: some kind of disaster [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007031
Comments: 30
Kudos: 80





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! welcome to this fic - it will be a three (maybe four) part instillation in my new series, which will showcase moments of luke and spencer's lives. i hope you enjoy reading it!

The day had been lovely - and that should have been a dead give away that something was going to go wrong. For a whole day to go well for people with as bad a luck as Spencer and Luke was near impossible, something that was only compounded by working for the BAU.

However, in a pleasant turn of events, they had both been having a wonderful time, having spent the morning and early afternoon having a picnic in a field in some little patch of country just out of the suburbs - hours enjoyed with lovely food, better conversation, and the best company either could ask for.

Dates like those were quite common for the two - by heading away from the city, even just a bit, they lessened their chances of being caught by any of their friends exponentially, something that was probably for the best, given that they were yet to come out.

That led them to the issue that ruined their day. Coming out. Luke had been the one to present the idea at first.

“Spence, I was wondering, do you see us coming out soon?”

Luke had sat up, removing his head from the crook of Spencer’s neck where he had been resting it as they sat on the couch, Roxy curled up at their feet.

The look that Spencer gave to Luke made it clear that he had not been anticipating the question. There were a few noises of shock at first, before the look on his face changed to something indecipherable, even to Luke, despite being a trained profiler, and also knowing Spencer remarkably well.

“Do you want to?” Spencer asked, somewhat cautiously, if Luke were to hazard a guess.

He didn’t even need to consider it, before enthusiastically responding affirmatively. Luke wanted nothing more than to be able to not only love Spencer, but to be able to love him openly. To be able to share how he felt with those he considered to be his second family, not have to keep up the lies about a girl named Lisa who simply didn’t exist. Luke could only hope that Spencer had a similar outlook.

Judging from his reaction, however, Luke didn’t think that Spencer was quite so interested in coming out, for whatever reason. In fact, the look on Spencer’s face didn’t seem simply displeased, instead vaguely disgusted and even horrified at the prospect.

Luke wished he could go back in time, in order to stop himself from bringing it up, to save Spencer the discomfort that he seemed to display at the idea, but also, rather selfishly, to dave his own emotions. He tried to keep it off of his face, but Luke’s heart broke when hearing that Spencer didn’t want them to come out any time soon. The had been dating for months - Luke knew that he loved Spencer, that there was no one else out there for him, because Spencer was “the one” - and while he had enjoyed every bit of it, he wanted to be able to acknowledge and share that happiness with those he considered to be his second family. Luke was taught to love openly and loudly - that's the way his family always were - and he didn’t know how to do anything else, and even just trying went against everything he knew about love.

It wasn’t a way of living, of loving that was sustainable to Luke, not in the long term, but he would never force Spencer out if he wasn’t ready, and he didn’t have the strength to break up with him. So he would do it, if he needed to.

“I take it you don’t?”

Luke asked, waiting for confirmation that everything he thought, and feared, was true. And it wasn’t long until he received that.

“I’m sorry, Luke, I-”

As he spoke, Luke pulled Spencer into his arms. Although he felt upset, he was able to hide that - there was no point in making Spencer feel any more guilty than he evidently already did; Luke could see that Spencer felt bad, the soft sniffles that he tried to hide, burying his face in the crook of Luke’s neck.

That was when Luke knew that he couldn’t let himself cry in front of Spencer, not now, not when Spencer was like this. To do that would not only be selfish, but manipulative - guilting him into doing something that he was clearly against.

Luke was going to say something to try and assuage Spencer’s guilt when the beep of a phone startled and stopped him, bursting the little melancholy bubble that they seemed to be trapped in.. He watched as Spencer grabbed it out of his pocket, quickly wiping his face with the sleeve of the hoodie he had on, which was technically Luke’s.

“It’s Derek, he’s asking me to head over since we haven’t caught up in a while.”

Luke knew that Spencer would decline if he asked, but Luke had upset him enough, without stopping him from seeing his best friend, who Luke knew Spencer missed.

“Go, have fun!” Luke tried his best for a smile, although he probably failed. “This can wait.”

As Spencer got changed and ready to head out, Luke couldn’t help thinking it was something about Luke that he was embarrassed about - afterall, what else could it be? Spencer was out to the team as bisexual, so it was only their relationship that they would be coming out about, and the only thing that changed there was Luke’s presence in his romantic life.

“Bye Cariño,” He called out as Spencer slipped out the door.

He wondered if Spencer would talk to Derek about what was happening between them and discuss it with him, even though that seemed unlikely given his clearly apparent embarrassment over their relationship. Luke wished that he had someone to go through the situation with, who he wouldn’t be being a burden to by sharing his emotions.

_ I used to have that, _ Luke thought _ , until Phil was killed. Until I wasn’t fast enough to save him. _

Seeing where his thoughts were headed, Luke tried to pull himself back to thinking about Spencer, but it was too late. He was no longer only feeling bad about Spencer, but also about letting his best friend, his first real love, die. He needed a distraction.

Flipping through the channels of the TV achieved nothing, and trying to read only reminded him more of Spencer. Luke momentarily considered taking Roxy, who was lying in front of him, for a run, but that was just more time alone with his mind, which he wasn’t in a place to deal with. He wasn’t in a good headspace to be alone.

He flipped through his contacts, looking at who he could call, not to talk about the situation itself with, but rather to help distract him. Luke quickly ruled out anyone who would either be busy, or would know something was up and force him to talk about it. That left him with practically no one, so he looked through again for his best bet.

As the phone rang, he hoped that he wasn’t interrupting anything. Thankfully, it wasn’t long until the call was picked up.

“Luke, if you tell me we have a case, I swear, yours may be the next death we investigate,” Tara announced as she answered the call. 

It was nice to her, despite the slight annoyance at the prospect of a case. It was normal, easy, unlike everything that was happening between him and Spencer, who almost never fought.

“No cases, don’t worry,” he said, in an attempt at a light tone.

“So what’s happened, them?”

Luke mocked offence at that;

“Why would anything have to be wrong for me to call you?”

He could almost hear the eye roll from through the phone.

“Because, Luke, you rarely, if ever, call for no reason outside of work, plus, I am not an idiot. Anyone could hear that you are upset. So what happened, and what role does Spencer play in it?”

“What! I- uh, why would this have anything to do with Spencer?”

“So you admit that something is wrong! And Luke, I have already told you, not that you should need telling, that I am not an idiot, and as such, I can tell with 100% certainty that you are in love with him. Okay?”

Of course Tara knew! He was once again reminded of how bad he felt though - he had given away their relationship when Spencer had wanted to keep it quiet.

“I… Spencer doesn’t want anyone to know. I don’t know why, but he refuses, and I don’t want to force him, but I hate that he is so embarrassed of me that he doesn’t want anyone to know he is dating me. I’m just so proud of him, and I love him, and I want to share that. I’ve spent so long having to hide who I love, and now I have Spencer, I don’t want to do that anymore,” Luke sighed, before realising what he had just offloaded onto Tara. “I’m so sorry for putting that on you, I shouldn’t have told you all of that.”

Tara made a pitying noise before responding with what was, for her, a surprisingly sweet and sappy piece of advice.

“Aw Luke, it’s okay, don’t apologise. I’ve been in your situation - I still am in a very similar one, but you have to trust me, because I speak not only from experience, but from the point of view of an outsider, who has seen the looks Spencer gives you too. He does love you, and he looks at you like you are the best thing in the world - it’s sickeningly sweet. You should tell this to him, because I can bet you that he doesn’t mean it like that at all, and it's a great chance to understand him better.” She paused for a moment to let him digest all that she had said. “And you can talk to me whenever - I mean it.”

Luke managed a laugh - he did feel much lighter after talking to Tara (he couldn’t help but wonder a bit about her own relationship, but figured that given she had been so much help, he wouldn’t pry - for now), and even though he hated the idea of sharing how he felt about the whole situation with Spencer, still concerned it was just manipulating and guilting him, he trusted that Tara knew better than him. 

Knowing that Spencer would at least be a couple of hours, if he were to come back that evening at all, he decided that a run with Roxy no longer felt so torturous. In fact, it would be a good way to deliberate over everything they had discussed, and to clear his mind.


	2. ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is the chapter!! i hope that you enjoy it!!

“Spence, I was wondering, do you see us coming out soon?”

The question took Spencer by surprise. He and Luke had been relaxing together on the couch after a wonderful date, lazily chatting about trivial little things. A question of such magnitude was in stark contrast to the rest of their evening, so it was unsurprising that he was taken aback by it. However, realising that his jaw had likely dropped, Spencer hurriedly tried to mask what he was feeling. Any further reaction could wait until he knew what Luke’s thoughts on the matter were.

“Do you want to?” Spencer asked, attempting to understand if they were on the same page or completely different ones to help make the situation easier on them both.

When Luke smiled and nodded happily, Spencer couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly guilty, knowing he was about to wipe that beautiful grin off of his face. It was far from surprising that Luke felt that way, he was after all, a loud, affectionate and loving person.

Spencer on the other hand, preferred to keep his relationships quiet - for a multitude of reasons. There was a certain niceness to the status quo - not risking any change in the relationship or its dynamics - something risked by coming out. Although he was aware it was irrational as well, he couldn’t help but think that the team would see him differently - being out in theory is one thing, but to be out and dating another man, that was a whole different one.

As always, there were also the insecurities in the back of his mind, ever present, never letting him be. They told Spencer that this was only ever going to end up humiliated as a result of this, that once their friends, family, knew, Luke would break up with him for one of many viable reasons, and he would be left, embarrassed, having expressed his love only to have it be unreturned, at least not returned to the same intensity.

He couldn’t do that, couldn’t go through the process of telling people that no, they weren’t together anymore, and yes, they broke up - not when Spencer would know that it was his fault that something he was so committed to, something he relied on, had come crumbling down.

“I take it you don’t?”

Spencer watched as the light that had previously been present in Luke’s eyes faded, replaced by a glossiness that he tried to pretend wasn’t unspilled tears that he was responsible for. He didn’t say anything, knowing Luke would hate it, because he was trying to hide it, surely in an attempt to avoid making Spencer feel guilty - all to no avail, of course, because he already felt guilty, aware that he was letting his love down.

Seeing that look on Luke’s face was painful - Luke was such a bright, happy person. It was horrible to see him attempting to keep a straight face when he was so clearly upset - and knowing that he was responsible for that look was the final straw for him, and he could no longer even pretend to keep some semblance of a straight face.

“I’m sorry, Luke, I-”

Spencer tried his best to get the words out, to apologise, for not wanting what Luke did, for upsetting him, disappointing him, but his words were muffled by Luke pulling Spencer into his arms. Spencer rested his head in the crook of Luke’s neck as he sniffled slightly, trying to pretend that he wasn’t essentially crying, overwhelmed by all that had happened, all that he was feeling.

He cuddled into Luke regardless, glad for the comfort despite the overall melancholy air to what had otherwise been an amazing day. It was their own little private moment away from their troubles, that was popped by the buzz of Spencer’s cell phone.

As he picked up the phone, he pulled away disappointedly, not wanting to leave Luke.

“It’s Derek, he’s asking me to head over since we haven’t caught up in a while.”

Spencer was going to offer to decline, but Luke beat him to it, surely knowing that, and not wanting him to lose time with his best friend, which was already very minimal between both of their busy lives. 

“Go, have fun! This can wait.”

The badly faked smile on Luke’s face as he said that broke Spencer’s heart, but he didn’t think that he was capable of putting up a fight in his state of mind. As such, he got up and got ready to head out, not bothering to change out of the tracksuit pants and jumper (that was technically Luke’s) that he was wearing.

Maybe Derek would be able to help with some of his issues and reservations - he could tell Derek about their relationship, surely, and maybe that would be a step in the right direction, a step towards making Luke happy that was desperately needed after the debacle that had just occurred.

“Bye Cariño,” Luke called out to him as Spencer got into his old, dusty car and drove off.

The time in the car gave him far too long to spend in his own mind, despite being a very short journey. The guilt of putting such a sad look on Luke’s face, reducing him nearly to tears, was gnawing at him. Spencer hated knowing that he was responsible for that, all because of his own cowardice.

He tried his best to keep his eyes clear of tears and trained on the road, trying to focus all of his brain power on driving, although for him, it was hardly enough to distract him from the war being waged in his mind.

In many regards, Spencer did want to come out - and not just for Luke, but for himself. He wanted to be able to share their relationship with their family, to not have to hide away if one of them needed comfort, to be able to have public dates without driving far enough away that they wouldn’t be seen, but at the same time, his insecurities were stronger than his strengths.

Thankfully, it wasn’t long until he was outside Derek’s house. Spencer missed Derek a lot, and while he was really happy for him, for having a family, for having found happiness, he still missed being able to go to work and see him almost every day. He was a bit upset that Derek had invited him while Luke and Spencer were dealing with the whole coming out matter, but between both of their schedules, he didn’t know when they would next get the chance to hang out.

“Hey Pretty Boy!” Derek said as Spencer wandered in. It looked as though he had been about to ask how he was, before taking a look at Spencer and realising that something was definitely up. His eyebrows furrowed as Spencer got closer and it became even more apparent that things weren’t right. “You okay? What happened?’

They headed over to the living room, which was empty, with Hank and Savannah out with one of her friends. As they walked, Spencer tried to prepare what he could say to explain everything.

“Derek, you know the agent who took your spot? Luke Alvez?” When Spencer received confirmation, he continued on, trying his best to maintain his trust that Derek would never judge him, even though there was nothing really to judge him on. “We’re dating.”

Spencer watched Derek’s face light up with excitement for him.

“Spence, that’s great! He seems like a great guy, and I hope he is treating you well.” Derek then seemed to remember his sadness, his expression a mix of concern and anger. “Is he treating you alright? Is everything okay?”

Realising what Derek was concerned about, he was quick to dismiss that, reassuring Derek that Luke was nothing but a kind, perfect gentleman.

“It’s just… He wants to come out, um, to the team, but I’m scared, Der. I want to be open about our relationship, but if we are, then they all just once again get to watch as another of my few and far between relationships fails.”

Spencer had to take a moment to collect himself - he didn’t need to work himself up to the verge of crying yet again.

“I don’t want that to happen - I don’t want this to fail, let alone have spectators to it all - but I can’t just say no to him either. Not because I am scared of him or what his reaction would be, in fact, it's the opposite. Luke would do anything for me, for anyone he loves, even to his own disadvantage, even if it was tearing him apart - like this undoubtedly will.”

It was hard for Spencer to believe how lucky he had gotten with Luke, who was just so incredible, which is why, just saying it aloud, even without hearing from Derek, he knew what he would have to do.

As such, he cut Derek off before he could properly get into what he was going to say.

“I’m going to do it,” Spencer said, with as much conviction as he could muster. “Thank you for listening to me, Der. You’re the best.”

“Kid, you know I’m always here for you - even if you aren’t even going to listen to what I have to say.”

Derek chuckled, and Spencer did too - years ago, he would likely have apologised, thought Derek was criticising and laughing at him, but he knew better now.

“Do you have time to watch something and maybe have a beer or two before you go?”

Spencer scrunched up his nose at the suggestion of beer. It was something he had never acquired a taste for. He smiled though, and nodded. It would be a nice way to calm himself down before he went home to talk with Luke, to face his fears.

“Okay,” he agreed, “but you better have something to drink other than beer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!! i really hope you enjoyed - comments and kudos are very appreciated <3


	3. iii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahjdfksjh sorry for the wait!! i hope you enjoy!!

Luke was lying in bed, having just gotten out of the shower, when the door opened.

Since leaving the army, long showers had been an escape from the world, a special indulgence that he had never previously been able to have. He tended not to have them often, to maintain their status as something special, but Luke decided that he definitely needed one to try and keep his mind off of all the shit that had gone wrong through the day.

His destiny was to live life in the closet - it was as though that was all he was destined for, all his sexuality would ever be. A dirty little secret. Despite Tara’s reassurances that Spencer was truly in love with him, he couldn’t help but want to hide away and never face the world again, because if someone who loved him, who should see the best in him, was embarrassed by him, then how did everyone else see him?

And Luke knew it was stupid, knew he was being an idiot, but the thoughts just would not let him rest. He just wanted to be with Spencer, to be curled up with him, to hear that everything would be okay, that there was nothing wrong with him. The longer he was alone, the worse it got. Glancing quickly at his phone, he considered calling someone, having recognised that he was spiralling, but who was there to call?

Spencer was with Derek, and he didn’t want to take him away from that, or make him feel guilty for Luke being upset. He didn’t want to call Tara again - she should be able to enjoy her evening off - and there was no one else from the team Luke could talk to without going against what Spencer wanted.

So he got out of the shower, and pulled on a t-shirt and some tracksuit pants - both belonging to Spencer, which provided Luke with some degree of calm and comfort, and lay on the bed, Roxy quickly joining him.

“Hey girl, you love me, right?”

Roxy wagged her tail, and it made Luke smile, despite everything. She really was the sweetest dog he could ask for.

And that was when he heard the door open, and Spencer walking in.

“Hey Luke, I’m back. I think that we should talk.”

Luke hurried to compose himself, but could do little to hide the redness of his eyes or to mask the scratchiness of his throat.

“Cariño! How was your time with Derek?”

Spencer’s eyes had become more serious as took in how Luke looked, until a regretful look washed over him. He moved onto the bed, as close to Luke as he could get, despite Roxy refusing to move from her space between them, as though protecting Luke.

_ From me. Because I was too much of an idiot to talk it through, to be there for him. _

Berating himself, Spencer cautiously reached out to touch Luke’s shoulder, trying to provide any slight reassurance that he was able to. 

“I’m so sorry, love. I’m so sorry.”

It was incredible how quickly Luke’s poorly masked sadness morphed into concern, which tugged at Spencer’s heart. Luke wasn’t the one with reason for concern.

“Spence, don’t apologise, you have done nothing wrong! I’m really sorry if I made you feel bad, I hope I wasn’t pressuring you or making you feel uncomfortable-”

“-You weren’t, Luke. I’m sorry I upset you, and that I didn’t talk to you. I shouldn’t have left you alone like that.”

He paused, hoping that Luke would listen to what he was saying, and stop working himself up so much - not that Spencer could blame him for doing so.

“I reconsidered, anyway. I do want to come out… I’m just, well, nervous, about everything. And I’m really sorry that my insecurities hurt you.”

Spencer felt tears welling up as he spoke. He hated what he had put Luke through, cursed himself for not being smart enough to consider how upset he was.

“You don’t have to! I shouldn’t have brought it up, and I’m happy to wait as long as you need.”

“No, I want to. I don’t want to let fear hold us back, and the team is our family. I want them to know.”

Luke’s concern slowly became shock as he realised Spencer was being genuine.

“You do? You aren’t embarrassed by me?”

Spencer’s heart, which had been healing as a result of Luke’s look of concern fading, broke once again. He was grateful, in a way, for having this conversation in the evening, when Luke was exhausted, because he would be more honest - fully awake Luke never would have admitted that.

Thankfully, Roxy had slowly moved out of the way as they had been talking, allowing Spencer to pull Luke closer. It was strange, normally their position was reversed, but he liked being able to feel as though he was supporting Luke for a change, rather than the opposite, as per usual.

“You are the best thing that has happened to me, you know? I could never be embarrassed of you,” Spencer comforted, doing his best to assuage Luke’s fears. “I love you so much, and you are the most incredible person I know.”

Spencer pulled the covers over them both, and continued to tell Luke just how much he loved him. Their conversation needed to be continued, but both of them needed the time to rest first. He pulled Luke tight and willed for sleep to wash over them both.

\--

Spencer, much to the surprise of exactly no one, was extremely stressed as they got closer and closer to coming out. They were finishing up what had thankfully turned out to be an easier case, one that had ended with the unsub apprehended, the victim safe, and preparing to board the plane, where he and Luke planned to inform them of their relationship.

It did take some of the pressure off to know that one person, Tara, already knew, and supported them - one less person to anticipate the reaction of - not that he particularly expected them to be against it.

Luke had been doing his best to calm Spencer, being much more excited than nervous, one of the few things that made the stress of the whole ordeal seem very worthwhile. His smile was infectious, and Spencer was happy to do anything to keep it there. It would be nice, anyway, to be able to be more open with their friends, for Luke not to have to occasionally mention dates with a girl called Lisa for no reason other than to keep up appearances. 

As they were boarding the jet, however, Spencer couldn’t help the tapping of his foot and restless movements of his hands, both desperate attempts to expel some of the nervous energy he had.

He exchanged a glance with Luke as they waited to take off, smiling, knowing that there would only be minutes left of this.

“Hey, guys?” Luke said, attempting to get the team’s attention once they were up in the air. “Spencer and I have an announcement.”

They both watched the team like hawks as attention slowly shifted to them. They all had some level of a vaguely knowing look on their faces, and Luke couldn’t help but wonder if it had been more than just Tara who had known.

Thinking of Tara, he watched as she spared a glance at Emily, which took him back to their earlier conversation, although he dismissed the thought for the time being - he had bigger priorities at the time.

“We, uh, Luke and I are dating,” Spencer announced, and watched as the team began to smile at them, some even on the verge of laughing, if their faces were any indication.

“Kid, we knew. Your boyfriend there is not so good at the “secret looks” - and neither are you,” Rossi informed them, no longer bothering to control his laughter.

There were hugs, grins, and congratulations, and Spencer knew he had made the right decision - and any remaining doubt was dispelled by just one look at the man he loved, who looked so overjoyed in the moment.

Spencer knew he had found true love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i honestly don't know what will be next in this series, just that it will be little snippets of their life together, much like this. i hope you enjoyed!!
> 
> also, if anyone wants to, do my quiz on cm! https://forms.gle/dMFN2ywJQ4r9KrGFA

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this! let me know what you think :)


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